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Qui-Gon Jinn and the Jedi
What To Do With A Drunk Jedi Master?

By Jade

Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan

Spoilers: none
Category: Pre-Slash, Other
Rating: PG
Warnings: smutless ;)
Feedback: Much appreciated and will definitely encourage me:)
Summary: Qui-Gon cuts loose for a night and Obi-Wan exacts his revenge.
Disclaimer: Owned by George Lucas, no money made, blah, blah, promise to put them back after a bad night's rest.
Notes: A special thank you goes to Boots, who was kind enough to give this little story a fair beta, when she wasn't laughing at Qui-Gon anyway.

"I love you padawaan!" Qui teetered precariously on legs that suddenly weren't going in the same direction as he was. His young apprentice was having a hard time keeping him on his feet as they headed back to their shared quarters. Suddenly, Obi-Wan was slammed into the wall by his master's considerable bulk. He grimaced when his master placed a sloppy kiss on his forehead.

"Uh, yes, Master, I love you too," the apprentice said, blushing slightly as he disentangled himself from his instantaneously amorous master. Once he realized for himself that the Force could and would come to his aid, he managed to convince his master that walking right to their shared quarters was a great idea with a small mental nudge to the master's mind.

'Must have been some party!' Obi thought to himself as he took on most of his tipsy master's weight. Until tonight, he had no idea that Qui-Gon could feel so heavy. The young man started comparing his master to a sleeping Hutt, and to a tranquilized wild *bantha* as his muscles strained under the extra baggage of Qui-Gon Jinn's staggering form. No doubt Qui-Gon would be suffering from a head splitting hangover later in the morning. Obi-Wan pulled back when his master stopped abruptly and refused to move further. He looked up into his master's confused face. He prayed the man wasn't about to vomit in the corridors because from personal experience with his peers, that's what usually happened when he saw that queasy look.

"Padawan-" Qui-Gon said, his voice slurred and he swayed until Obi-Wan held him firmly by the shoulder. Obi-Wan added to his litany of prayer to the force that the maintenance droids wouldn't gossip if the inevitable happened.

"Yes, Master?" Obi-Wan did his best to hide the trepidation in his voice.

"What day iz it?"

"Seventh day, Master."

"Well! That confirms it, I have an appointment with Master Yoda today!" Qui-Gon said, then turned uneasily on his heel and started to walk towards Yoda's quarters. Obi-Wan was quite surprised to see him walk without help. He was pleased to see that he wouldn't be having to clean up after his master after all. The last thing he needed was his master's reputation being tarnished by this incident. Qui-Gon continued his unsteady walk down the halls under his padawan's watchful gaze.

"Sith!" Obi-Wan cursed when his master stumbled over thin air and almost fell on his face.

"Padawan, where are you?" Qui-Gon crooned loudly, his arms flailing for balance. Obi-Wan raced up to him, folding himself under the man's right arm to help him keep his balance.

"Why there you are!" His master said and placed another kiss on his face, this time on his cheek. The young man almost choked on the strong smell of alcohol in his master's breath. Obi-Wan held his comments for when he knew his master would remember them. It was only a few minutes until they reached Yoda's small apartment, as they didn't live far from Qui-Gon's old master.

"Master Yoda! I'm here for my appointment! Open up!" Qui-Gon said too loudly for Obi-Wan's comfort. The young padawan was quickly losing control of the situation and this flustered him greatly. Certainly the elderly Master Yoda was not up for his master's visit, and Obi-Wan tried in vain to pull Qui-Gon away from the door. Suddenly, the door opened, almost causing Qui-Gon to fall through the opened doorway had Obi-Wan not caught him with massive use of the Force.

"Watch your step, you shall!" A small, annoyed voice barked at Qui-Gon, causing both of the Jedi to look down. Yoda, venerated Jedi Master, stood watching them with squinting green eyes and ears that drooped low in irritation at having been awakened. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both gawked at the sight before them.

Pink...a pink fuzzy cloth bathrobe and a pair of pink, even fuzzier slippers that had long, oval ears sticking out of either side were all that Yoda was wearing. If Obi-Wan weren't so demeaned by his master's behavior, he would have hit the floor laughing, but all he could do right now was try to recover from the shocking sight of Yoda in pink.

"Master! I'm here for my eleventh hour appointment!" Qui-Gon said boisterously, waving the one arm that wasn't being held tightly by Obi-Wan. Yoda glared at both the master and his young padawan, the wrinkles in his green face deepening in a dark frown.

Finally, the ancient master spoke. "The third hour, this is! Drunk as a Hutt, you are, Qui-Gon Jinn, to your quarters, you will go!" he screeched with a voice that brooked no argument from master or padawan. Qui-Gon swayed and stared at his padawan with glassy eyes.

"Is this true, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon blinked twice, as he tried in earnest to clear his vision to no avail. "Are you embarrassing me by letting me arrive too early for my appointment with the little green troll?"

"Master!" Obi-Wan lamented, not caring if Master Yoda saw him whine. Opening his mouth to speak again, Qui-Gon felt a sharp pain in his shin.

"Ow!" Qui-Gon yelped, jumping as Yoda's gimer stick found its intended target.

"To your quarters go, Qui-Gon Jinn!" Yoda snapped at Qui-Gon, waving the stick frantically to threaten Qui-Gon with another smack. Obi-Wan pulled on his master's arm to drag him away from Yoda's quarters.

"I'll take care of him, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan said as Qui-Gon allowed himself to be pulled away.

"See to that, you will!" Yoda grunted with disapproval, and as soon as the master and padawan pair were away from the door, it slammed shut.

"Well, that was rude!" Qui-Gon radiated astonishment at Yoda's dismissal. Obi-Wan nodded his head. He was tired and his frustration with his master was growing. It was still only three in the morning and he didn't need any more trouble. Thoughts of how he was going to manage the rest of the trip back to their quarters plagued him. He helped Qui-Gon into the lift that would take them to their quarters before his master realized they were meeting Adi Gallia and Siri for lunch. It was doubtful they would appreciate Qui-Gon banging on the door and demanding lunch at three a.m.

"You'd think he'd be happy that I was early for the meeting." Qui-Gon slumped against the wall, his long, wobbly legs unable to support him.

"Master, being a little early is good, but you beat your appointment by eight hours!" the teenager snapped at him.

"Really?" His eyes blinked, focusing was so difficult after a few drinks. He didn't realize he had three padawans, but there they were, glaring at him. Obi-Wan eyed at him with an exasperated look on his handsome young face. The tunics that his master usually wore with such dignity were crooked and stained horribly, his hair tie had become loose and had fallen off somewhere between Yoda's quarters and the lift doors, and his face had a thin sheen of sweat over it. Blue eyes that could capture every nuance of conversation during negotiations were dull and glazed with drink. As he examined the man, he tried to discern what Qui-Gon had been drinking. From the brownish color of the stains on the front of his tunic, it could have been any number of strong liquors. He was distracted from his thoughts when Qui-Gon moved.

A stray piece of long brown hair distracted Qui-Gon and he flailed his right hand in a vain attempt to brush it out of his face. Obi-Wan watched him, not making a move to help the man as he was quite annoyed at Qui-Gon's lack of control. When the lift doors opened, he grasped Qui-Gon's arm and pulled him out of the lift compartment towards their quarters.

"There was a young man from Dantooine!" Obi-Wan cringed once his master broke out into a loud, boisterous limerick.

"Whose eyes had a curious gleam!" Qui-Gon swung one arm out and hung onto Obi-Wan tightly as the young man tried to manage both the drunken master and punching in their access code.

"He said to the Hutt!" The older man shouted, his baritone, way off key voice echoed down the hallway and Obi-Wan sighed in his distress. He planned on having a few harsh words with his master in the morning about getting singing lessons. 'Where on Coruscant did he learn that limerick?' he wondered.

"Quiet, Master," he said to him harshly, as some of their fellow Jedi were now peeking their heads through open doorways to see what the matter was.

"As he wiggled his butt!" Qui-Gon shouted, ignoring his apprentice wholeheartedly.

The door slid open and Obi-Wan pushed Qui-Gon into their common room. Just as Obi-Wan turned around to close the door shut, his master stuck his head out the door and shouted the last piece of the limerick.

"That he was a wonderful fuck!" The few Jedi that were watching gasped in shock as Qui-Gon burst into laughter and was abruptly pulled back into his quarters by his angry apprentice. Still laughing uproarishly, Qui-Gon was having trouble standing and leaned against the wall for support. Laughter got caught in his throat and Qui-Gon started coughing hard.

"Sith!" Obi-Wan used the Force to open the refresher door just as his master stumbled into it. The young man flinched as his master proceeded to throw up. He could only imagine what his master drank that made him so ill. When he heard the fresher unit flush, he had already filled a glass of cool water and was waiting for Qui-Gon to leave the small bathing room when he heard a loud moan. As he walked from the small kitchen unit in the common room, Obi-Wan gasped and stood back from the doorway at the sight his master made.

Apparently Qui-Gon had collapsed onto the floor after vomiting, and the large man's body lie sprawled across the cool tile. Obi-Wan galvanized himself into action and after placing the glass of water on the sink near him, he crouched by his master's form.

"Master! Qui-Gon!" He slapped the clammy face lightly to draw Qui-Gon back to consciousness. The man moaned loudly and his eyes slowly opened.

"Master, do you need a healer?" Obi-Wan asked as his master struggled to sit up. Obi-Wan was beginning to fear for his master's well-being. It was amusing to see him sloppy drunk, but seeing the large man pass out was a scary experience for Obi-Wan. The pale face and drawn features were enough to destroy all thoughts of retribution for his earlier behavior. Qui-Gon swayed until Obi-Wan stilled him with shaking hands. The master shook his head.

"Nooo, Obi-Wan, I'll be all right. Wanna sleep," he mumbled, his voice still slurred. He smiled dimly as his apprentice brushed the hair that clung to his face away.

"Don't you scare me like that again, Master," the young man whispered harshly.

"Won't," was the slurred reply. It was enough for Obi-Wan, for the young man let out the breath he didn't know he was holding since he'd entered the refresher. Calming himself, Obi-Wan swallowed hard, hoping that since Qui-Gon had been ill, his condition would improve. He rubbed the man's arm, the warmth of his master's skin underneath his hand proving itself a salve to his startled mind.

"Can you stand up?"


"Master, I have to get you into bed now. I want you to let me help you out of those clothes," Obi-Wan told the man as he got up. Summoning the Force one last time for the evening, he lifted his master's body and dragged him to his bedroom.

Qui-Gon grunted when he hit the surface of his large bed with some speed. He laughed when he saw his three apprentices struggle with the fastenings to his boots.

"You know, you'd think you could take off my boots far faster between the three of you, Obi-Wan," he said, but Obi-Wan paid him no attention. With a great tug, Obi-Wan pulled one boot free, then went to work on the next. As he unfastened the last buckle on Qui-Gon's left boot, he heard his master begin snoring lightly. A faint smile crossed Obi-Wan's lips as he spied his master as the man slept. He quietly went about removing Qui-Gon's dark brown robe and light beige tunics. When his master was bare save his rumpled leggings, Obi-Wan pulled the covers over the sleeping man and turned to leave. Just as the young man reached the doorway, Qui-Gon stirred.

"Obi-Wan?" The muffled voice sounded very small within the large expanse of Qui-Gon's room.

"Yes, Master," he whispered as he turned back to look at Qui-Gon, who was sprawled on his oversized bed in the same position Obi-Wan had left him.

"Please, stay with me tonight," Qui-Gon requested, and without thought of his own comfort, Obi-Wan crawled beneath the covers and joined his master. Obi-Wan curled up against Qui-Gon's side, throwing one arm across his chest. He took comfort in Qui-Gon's slow, steady breathing that assured him that he was fine, even if the morning would bring his poor master agony.

Obi-Wan was awakened when a very large leg hit him across the thighs. His master had rolled over (again). Slightly annoyed, Obi-Wan pushed away Qui-Gon's leg. He blushed slightly when he realized that during the night, Qui-Gon had removed his leggings. 'A naked Jedi Master is the last thing I want to deal with this morning' he thought to himself as he moved away from Qui-Gon. Even though the man was deeply asleep, he somehow missed Obi-Wan's presence, and grumbled. A large arm ruffled the sheets next to him. Obi-Wan sighed and came closer so his master could sense his presence. Once again, he found himself pinned underneath Qui-Gon.

"Master, I assure you I am not a pillow! Please get off of me!" Obi-Wan snapped and gave up on sleeping as he pushed Qui-Gon away.

"Sorry, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon's voice could barely be heard because his face was against the pillow.

"It's all right," Obi-Wan muttered under his breath as he stood up and staggered sleepily out of the room to make some breakfast.

Qui-Gon considered going back to sleep until he realized how badly his head pounded. His ears were ringing, and since when did he eat garbage that his mouth tasted like it? His eyes flared into pinpoints of pain when he opened them. Groaning loudly, Qui-Gon shut his eyes, but he could tell that it was late morning from all the sunlight pouring into his room. The party may have been fun, but was it too much to ask not to suffer? Memories of last night pervaded his mind...Mace's birthday party. Adi Gallia sitting on his lap, feeding him red candies. Mace's endless supply of Corellian Spice Rum...and very little else after drinking several glasses of the latter. His young apprentice, thank the Force, had taken him home, where he ended up in bed with him. Wait...

That's when he realized his lack of clothing. Pieces of what might have happened during the previous evening floated through his tortured, barely working mind. Uttering a curse that would make a Hutt blush, Qui-Gon buried his head deeper within the pillow.

'The council will have my balls hanging from their gleaming tower if they find out!' he thought to himself, whimpering as the headache got progressively worse.

With timing that would have impressed Qui-Gon if he wasn't in horrible pain, Obi-Wan came walking into the room, setting a small tray down on his bedside table. Without being asked, Obi-Wan drew down the shades of his one small window so only a soft, muted light filtered in.

"Master, are you awake," his young apprentice whispered, and Qui-Gon smelled the fresh coffee that he had made. Obi-Wan chuckled at the loud groan that issued from his master. He had sense the older man's alarm, and the reason for it just as he entered the room. Though Qui-Gon was sober, his shielding was miserable because of his pounding head. A quick, easy revenge made itself clear to Obi-Wan as he helped his ailing master sit up. Qui-Gon looked horrible, his features were drawn and pale, his eyes were bloodshot.

"Think you can handle a little coffee and toasted bread, Master?"

"Mmm, the coffee smells wonderful." Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan as he took one of the mugs and gave it to him. After a few sips, he was feeling better. Obi-Wan sat on the edge of the bed and drank slowly from his own mug. The young man's eyes never left Qui-Gon's face, and that was beginning to worry him.


"Yes, Master?" The young man's handsome face lit up with a smile. Qui-Gon felt too awful to return it.

"Thank you for the coffee, Padawan," he said, wondering just how to breach the subject of how he ended up naked in bed with his seventeen-year-old apprentice. "I wonder what makes you so kind to your hoary old Master," he said, hoping for the usual 'Nothing, Master, just wanted to help' answer, but the look in Obi-Wan's face told him already it wasn't going to be that easy. Obi-Wan smiled brilliantly and blushed as he ran a hand through his sleep tussled auburn hair.

"Well, Master, it was the only way I could think of to thank you for the best night of my life," Obi-Wan stated, then pursed his lips in a very sexy fashion.

Unfortunately for Qui-Gon, he had just taken a sip of his coffee when the full meaning of what his apprentice had said hit his poor, fevered brain. Panic raced through him, bringing back that hellish headache and it caused him to choke.

'Force! I knew it, I'm a dead man!' While sex with a padawan was not expressly forbidden, sex with an underage padawan was another story entirely. A bad, scary, expelled-from-the-Jedi-Order story. He sputtered and coughed and nearly hacked up a lung when the hot liquid went down the wrong tube.

Obi-Wan went to his master's side and grasped the mug his master was holding, then set it down on the table so it didn't spill. He began patting his master's back as he tried to help the older man but then he started laughing. When Qui-Gon recovered from his coughing fit, he saw that his padawan was lying on the floor laughing so hard that he was clutching his stomach. This was not exactly the reaction he expected from his apprentice after last night's indiscretion. The young man stopped for a moment when he felt his master's piercing glare on him, but Qui-Gon's face was so perplexed it made him laugh all over again.


"Yes, Master?" ::chuckle:: Obi-Wan sat up and wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes.

"I don't see what is so funny here," Qui-Gon practically growled at him.

"I do," was the only answer he received.

He did his best impression of an angered Jedi Master, but then his head started to hurt so badly that he was only able to reach up with a shaking hand and touch his forehead to make certain that it truly hadn't split open.

"Obi-Wan, this is not funny."

"The look on your face when I said that, Master...oh, it was priceless!" Obi-Wan said as he got up off of the floor. The huge grin on his face did little to assuage Qui-Gon's ill temper. Before Qui-Gon could think of a retort to that particular comment, Obi-Wan bent over his master, and kissed him on the forehead lightly.

"Nothing happened, my dear Master," he said with a bright smile as he handed Qui-Gon back his coffee.

"What?" Qui-Gon's eyes blinked owlishly as his apprentice sat down on the chair near his bed. He wished he could wipe that grin off of his apprentice's face, but Obi-Wan was clearly enjoying his discomfort.

"Master, I was joking. Nothing happened between us last night." Obi-Wan took a long drink from his coffee, giving Qui-Gon time to process this information.

"Force, I've finally rubbed off on the boy," Qui-Gon muttered so low that Obi-Wan could barely catch what he had said.

"What was that, Master?"

"I think you've finally got a sense of humor, Padawan," was Qui-Gon's answer, and Obi-Wan snorted.

"Yes, and when you meet with Master Yoda in an hour, we'll see if the green troll also has a sense of humor," said Obi-Wan with an evil grin. Qui-Gon looked aghast, his mouth hanging open.

"Tell me I didn't show up at Yoda's door, Obi-Wan."

"I don't have to. Master Yoda will!" Obi-Wan finished his coffee and turned to leave. "I have to get ready for my astrophysics class. I suggest that you prepare for that meeting."

"Yes, Padawan," he grated out, his voice suddenly dry at the thought of just how that meeting with Yoda was going to be. Obi-Wan left him to his ragged thoughts, still wearing that triumphant grin.

'Extra saber practice, extra meditation is the key to wiping that look off of his face,' Qui-Gon thought to himself as he settled back onto the pillows. He couldn't help but be proud, his padawan finally had a sense of humor. Such a serious, dedicated young man needed a good laugh now and then. Perhaps just meditation on the evils of teasing his master. Yes, that was a good idea.


Qui-Gon Jinn and the Jedi